Were there more things for my child to accomplish in his life that were supposed to happen?
“You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” Psalm 139:16
God is all-knowing, He knows when we will die. In whatever way we die, God is not shocked or surprised.
Could God have stopped it? Of course, God is omnipotent.
Why didn’t God stop my child? I don’t know.. and I have to rest in the not knowing. As bad as I wanted to change the ending of Toby’s story, I couldn’t. It was too late. I had no choice but to be strong even though I was weak. When the worst has happened and we have no control over the situation, we have to lean on the Lord. We have to give all our worries, fears, and regrets to Him, everything. I was trying to figure out every question about my son’s suicide and it was making me crazy. I couldn’t get a grip. It was only in the surrendering to God that I was able to find peace. God is my strength.
Hymns and Christian music was the one thing that really soothed my heart during those first weeks after losing Toby.
“All to Jesus I Surrender”
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.
(Judson Van De Venter)
“Jesus Paid It All”
I hear the Savior say,
“Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in me thine all in all.
Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.
(Elvina M. Hall)
Once someone dies, that was the day they died. There’s nothing we can do about it except accept it as it is.
In order for me to move forward in my life, I had to let go of all questions of whether my son died before his actual time or not. I had to let go of all the plans I had for him and what could have been. Staying in that kind of unrest was blocking me from healing. I could choose to stay in turmoil, floundering in self-pity and denial or I could choose to surrender all my worries to God and trust in Him.
When my child died by suicide, I had so many questions. This was the beginning of realizing true trust in the blood and words of Jesus. My “hands” were empty. I was stripped of comfort. I was left stunned with nothing to grasp onto except trust in the Lord. Walking by faith and not by sight became very real to me.
John 5:24 gave me so much hope:
Very truly I tell you, whoever hears my word and believes Him who sent me has eternal life and will not be judged but has crossed over from death to life.
While I have hope that Toby is with our Lord and Savior, Jesus, I don’t want anyone to believe it’s okay to kill themselves. If you are thinking of suicide, please don’t do it. Get help. You are loved; Jesus wants you to choose life.