“I just want to die..”

Toby shot himself with his own deer rifle. He’s gone. He didn’t get to come back and see what happened next. He didn’t get to see the devastation his death caused. He didn’t get to see how crushed and shattered our lives were because he did this to himself. This is the hard truth we have to face every day of our lives now. It has been 5 years and we still hurt. We will always hurt. The pain Toby was feeling is now on us. It doesn’t go away. 

Why do you want to die? Killing yourself is not going to help you.. That will hurt you.. And everyone around you. Thoughts of killing yourself are from the devil, the “devils in your head.” When you allow this thought to stay in your head, you are allowing the devil to work in your life.  The devil always, always wants you to kill yourself or someone else. The devil is always behind thoughts of killing. That is what he is, he wants to destroy lives. ANY NEGATIVE THOUGHT IS EVIL. The devils are always trying to get in our head. 

At the same time, there is another spirit, Jesus! He is the Good Spirit. There are His angels, good spirits. 

You have a battle going on in your mind right now! 

The choice you need to make is, who’s side are you going to be on? You need to choose to fight for your life!

Tell the devil to get out and tell Jesus, “I give you my life Jesus!” Live for Him! Trust in Him! You can do this now. Any thoughts of killing yourself is negative; take it and throw it out the door of your mind and close the door. Open the door to the positive thoughts and invite them to stay in your mind. You can try it:

“I’m not going to kill myself. I’m kicking that thought out of my mind and closing the door. I’m going to live!”

“The circumstance I’m going through right now is already in my past. I’m letting it go. All of it. I’m starting over. I’m looking ahead. Things will change and I’ll be happy again. There are good things in my future. I can even help someone else. Probably someone I don’t even know yet.”

“I need to take care of myself.”

“I don’t really want to die, I want my situation to change.”

“My relationship didn’t work out and that person made me so mad. But, I’m letting it go, I forgive her/him. I’m going to move on and take care of myself.”

“The way things have been don’t have to be that way anymore. I can get through this.” 

 Jesus is there for you, talk to Him and it will get better when you walk in His plans for you,

He promises!

so do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Living is a positive thought. Keep that thought.

Tell someone all the thoughts you’ve been thinking. My Toby didn’t tell me and I wish he did. I wanted to help him. So many people would have helped him. He was focusing on a problem he was having with his ex-girlfriend. He didn’t shake the thoughts, he didn’t let it go. She has moved forward with her life and his body is dead and gone. Our souls live on forever. If we accept Jesus Christ as our Savior then we have life eternal with Him. If we don’t accept Jesus, we don’t live with him and our soul will live in hell.. God would never, I repeat, Never, ask you to kill yourself. He breathed His life into you; He wants you alive. God never puts thoughts in our head that would harm us. 

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.   

It is the devil who wants you dead.

John 10:10 The thief (Satan) comes only to steal and kill and destroy… 

One big problem for Toby was the antidepressant he was taking. He was only on it for 4 ½ months and was missing doses the second half of being on them. There is a black box warning on antidepressants. That is the most strict warning a drug can have. Antidepressant drugs have this warning because they can cause thoughts of suicide, which is what happened to Toby. Once the drug was in his body, and he had a trigger of anger, his brain was sending out these thoughts and when it’s your own brain, you think it’s you. But, it’s not even the real you, it’s a “side effect” of the drug. 

Nevertheless, not everyone who kills themselves is on a drug. They let a problem they’re having stay in their mind and they give into it. They don’t change the thought to a positive thought about themselves to stop and live. Stop the thought! Stay and live, we are all here! We want to know you, hear you, and see you do well. I know you can do it! I believe in you!

Acts 16:27-34

When the jailer woke up and saw the prison doors open, he drew his sword and was about to kill himself, presuming that the prisoners had escaped. But Paul called out in a loud voice, “Do not harm yourself! We are all here!” Calling for lights, the jailer rushed in and fell trembling before Paul and Silas. Then he brought them out and asked, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?” They replied, “Believe in the Lord Jesus and you will be saved, you and your household.” Then Paul and Silas spoke the word of the Lord to him and to everyone in his house. At that hour of the night, the jailer took them and washed their wounds. And without delay, he and all his household were baptized. Then he brought them into his home and set a meal before them. So he and all his household rejoiced that they had come to believe in God.       

God said to not kill yourself.. He said believe in Jesus and be saved!! Hang on to that!       

Help yourself by going to sleep. Rest. Or, go out and get some fresh air. Do you have a pet? God gave us animals to take care of.

Eat healthy, drink healthy. Get off all drugs and alcohol, they alter your mind and you may not even realize it. Get into supplements. When the doctor suggested an antidepressant drug for Toby, I decided to try St. John’s Wort> the kind I used and had success with> not to be taken with certain drugs<  and it worked. It helped me to feel better even though the doctor said it probably wouldn’t make a difference.

Take a walk. Run.

Listen to Christian music, praising God is healing. It really helped me when I was grieving.

Talk life to yourself: “I’m going to take care of myself.” “I can love myself.” “God does love me.”

Toby was a junior in high school. He didn’t like schoolwork and he was having trouble in Algebra II. I wanted to get him out of the class but it was too late. If I would have known what he was thinking, if only he would have told me, I would have let him quit school. I would have done anything to help him. Circumstances change, daily. What you’re going through today, can be different tomorrow.

There is always hope!

Know that you are not only your own. You are also your mother and father’s child. You are your family’s. You are your friend’s friend. They love you. When you give your life to Jesus, you are his too. You have a father in Heaven, God.

1Corinthians 6:19-20

Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.

You will die, someday.. and The devil does want to trick you. He is a liar. When you’re telling yourself, “I want to die, I am going to kill myself and end it all,” That is actually from the devil. All he ever wants to do is to destroy your life. Did you know someone already died in your place? A man named Jesus, from Nazareth. He is real, He is alive in Heaven and He really does love you. He died to save you from your sins and the devil. He offered His life in place of yours so you can Live and Live life to the fullest!!

John 10:10 … I (Jesus) have come that they (us) may have life, and have it to the full. 

Live! Stay to see another day and all the rest of the days of your life!

Remember, you speak life or death to yourself (or anyone). There is power in our words. Choose life!

… choose today whom you will serve… – Joshua 24:15

Photo by Amer Mughawish on Unsplash

Leave a Comment